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by radpineapple



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other, not specificially destiel but you can see it that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-19 01:29:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29867103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radpineapple/pseuds/radpineapple
Summary: from the prompt: "write a story about someone who's haunted by their past" where Cas is reminded of Heaven





	Home

Castiel liked Earth. It was beautiful. But it wasn’t home. He never felt as if he really fit in. He never fully understood everything either. He was always a little out of the loop. But he had nowhere else to go. He knew what the angels thought of him. Sometimes he wondered if they forgot he could hear them, or if they said the things they did on purpose, so he could hear them. Whatever it was, he never really felt like he truly belonged anywhere. And then one night while Sam and Dean were asleep, an awful thought came to him. 

What will I do when they’re gone?

They’d go to Heaven. But him... Well, he wasn’t very welcomed there. 

And he knew it wouldn’t be very long. Before Sam and Dean died. To him at least. He was old. Sam and Dean would only occupy a fraction of his existence. And then he’d be alone forever. 

And that scared the hell out of him. 

So, when an angel came to him and promised redemption in exchange for help, he couldn’t say no. But now he was lying to the Winchesters. It was tearing him up inside. He’d already been down that road once. But he knew this time it would be worth it. 

Isn’t that what you told yourself before? 

He buried that thought away. A few lies in exchange for not having to live eternally alone was worth it. 

“Hey, Cas,” Dean greeted casually. 

Cas momentarily glanced away from the messy cork board he was studying before answering, “Hello.” 

Dean walked up and stood beside him. “See anything new?” 

“No,” Cas lied. Well, it wasn’t a total lie. He didn’t see anything new, he just knew more than Dean did thanks to the angels. He just wasn’t telling Dean any of it. 

“Really?” 

Cas glanced at Dean. Dean was staring at him. It wasn’t accusatory or suspicious. It was open. Dean didn’t believe him. And he wanted Cas to know it. 

“I don’t see anything new, Dean.” But Cas returned his gaze to the board when he spoke. 

“I’ll give you one more chance.” 

Dammit. 

“Cas...” Dean finally said when the angel didn’t reply. 

Cas continued to stare ahead in annoyance. 

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Don’t ask that.” 

“Why?”

“Because you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

Cas finally looked over at Dean. How could he explain any of it to the Hunter? Dean didn’t know what it was like to be practically living on another planet. He didn’t know what it was like to be centuries old. He didn’t know what it was like fearing to be alone for centuries more. 

“I don’t want to be alone,” Cas finally said. 

Dean frowned. “You’re not alone.” 

“For now.” 

“The hell does that mean?”

“What am I going to do when you and Sam die? I’m not exactly welcomed into Heaven.” 

Dean blinked. “Where is this coming from?”

Cas looked away. 

“Cas.”

“I’m old, Dean. Much older than you. And I’ll continue to live when you’re gone. The angels... If I help them, I’ll be allowed back into Heaven.”

“And you don’t think they’re lying to you?”

“I have faith.”

“Really?” 

“I told you, you wouldn’t understand.” 

“No, I do understand. I just don’t see why you think this is how you have to do it.”

Now Cas was confused. “Do what?”

“Get back into Heaven.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

“How much has Heaven changed in the past, let’s say, three years?” 

“Drastically.” 

“Exactly. And how much do you think it’s gonna change by the time Sam and I die?” 

Cas hesitated. “I don’t know.” 

“But it could be a lot, right? Even more than now?” 

“It could. Or you could die tomorrow.” 

“But what if we didn’t. What if we lived for a few more years? What if Heaven changes enough on its own for you to come back in?”

“...why do you suddenly have faith in this?” 

“I don’t have faith in Heaven or whatever. I have faith in you, Cas. If you want to come see us in Heaven, you’ll find a way. Just...don’t do it like this. Don’t break my trust.” 

“I don’t know if I can. What if I never get another chance?” 

“You will,” Dean said firmly. “I’ll make sure of it. If those bastards won’t let you come visit, I’ll raise a little hell in Heaven.” 

“Dean...I don’t know what to say.” 

“Start with the truth, Cas. What’s going on here?” Dean gestured to the board.


End file.
